my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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