I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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