how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
