Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
