I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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