life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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