I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
