All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
