I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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