we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Text me some of your sweat
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
