I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
