There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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