My Higher Power is John Stamos
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
