It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
