4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she smelled like a LAN party
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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