i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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