Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
