I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The beers last night were like the tears from god
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
