she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
