why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
