I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
