Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
