first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
