Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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