Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
