Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
