remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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