Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
