she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
