and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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