It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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