This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
