I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
