So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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