No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
