she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
