I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
