I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
