look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
