so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
