Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
