I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I love you.
Bad choice
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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