Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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