I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
