____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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