I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
be right there i have to get my cape
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
