If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
