I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
