Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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