And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
