I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
