Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
